Consulting Detectives in Middle-Earth
by Steamprincess Mayhem
Summary: About how Smaug and Bilbo met. And what happened when they met. Probably more of an AU than a crossover. Rated T to be safe.
1. A Study in Halflings pt I

The story is already published on my AO3-account!

Happy (belated) Valentine's Day.

* * *

Bilbo still remembered laying eyes on the great dragon. Terrified of saying the wrong thing, but fascinated by the great reptile, he thought quickly. But the dragon had surprised him. The dragon enjoyed his words, enjoyed his presence. Even if he threatened to kill him more than once. It took long to get away from the dragon, with his pocket full of treasure, and even then, he knew it was because the big reptile allowed him. Even if he had taken a piece of its treasure. Even if he was a burglar. Even if he travelled with a pack of dwarves.

He had convinced the dwarves not to go further into the mountain; it had taken ridiculous amounts of persuading and something about the dragon being a sociopath and burning everything that was not either gold or Bilbo himself instantly. Especially dwarves. Then he re-entered the mountain hall where he had left the great dragon. But the dragon was not there.

Surprise, and to some extent relief, washed over him, and he went straight to looking for the real prize.  
"Looking for this?" A voice, very similar, but less guttural, to the dragon said.  
Bilbo turned around to see a smug looking man with a dark mop of curls and pale skin specked with red scales… and wings! He yelped, tumbling over a goblet. The dragon… man… something took in the hobbits form, splayed on his back, both calculating and somewhat amused.

"H-how did you know..?" he asked stuttering, but baffled.  
The dragon-man raised an eyebrow at him. "It was painfully obvious," he drawled, "You travel with dwarves, but you are not one yourself. In fact, you are a hobbit, and a long way from home… not entirely uncomfortable with it. You obviously have not travelled this long before, so you were invited, most likely by a wizard, probably Gandalf. You care for your companions, even if they don't need your sentiments. How utterly foolish, sentiments," the dragon laughed, "all one really needs is gold and knowledge."

Bilbo was utterly baffled by the dragon's deductions, but upset because of his ridiculing of values. "No it's not! It's not all one needs at all, Smaug, and you know it!" he was up and the words out of his mouth even before Bilbo realized he had said them. Immediately regretting his words, he clasped a hand over his mouth, squeezing his eyes shut, waiting to be incinerated. It never happened. The dragon looked at him. Emotionless as it may have seemed, the reptilian eyes flickered with brief emotion. Then he scoffed. Bilbo peaked at him, seeing the dragon actually laughing, like he was the funniest thing ever. Poor Bilbo, however, did not understand what was so funny. "Oh dear me," he though, honestly thinking he would be the main course of a barbeque feast.

"Tell me more about this other things then. Why sentiments are important to you, little Hobbit. I believe you know something about it." Smaug looked honest with his words.  
Bilbo finally dared to open his eyes, looking at the half-man half-dragon creature, "Really?" he asked, incredulous.  
"Yes, really," the man answered, looking at him intently, somewhat annoyed, "anything is better than this tediously dull existence."  
"Oh, okay then," Bilbo answered, swallowing heavily, trying to gather his thoughts. "You need something like… a form of… companionship. You know… friends, family, people you care about and who care about you." Smaug scoffed. "My family is long dead. Not my fault they died. They were not careful enough. And emotion seems dreadful-"

"No, no, you don't understand!" said Bilbo. "They will love you back and support you and make everything worth it!" He was baffled with the sudden surge of courage.  
"I have my doubts about such a thing. Things with minds on their own betrays without a second thought."  
"And then you should be hurt and angry and treat them like traitors! But nobody can live all alone..!"  
"I can," the dragon stated.

"But… everyone needs friends," Bilbo tried weakly, "People with hearts of gold."  
Smaug's eyes lit up at the last statement. "Hearts of gold, you say. And would you have a heart of… gold..?" he raised an eyebrow.  
Bilbo trembled, "Figuratively speaking, maybe," he muttered.  
"How can figures mean anything!" Frustration. "Unless…" Smaug traced the hobbit's chest with a long nail. Bilbo shivered under Smaug's touch, part because the thought scared him, and part of something he could not quite place.

Suddenly, Smaug was a lot closer. At this range, he could clearly see the dragon-man's scales. He could also see how attractive Smaug was, with his yellow reptilian eyes and high, sharp cheekbones and the texture of the dark messy curls, the horns and wings. Everything. And suddenly, the thought of getting ripped apart because of the prospect of a gold heart seemed less important than the fact that the dragon was naked, nude. Maybe it did not count, since he was not quite human, to say the least.

"I-" he started, trying to be even braver than before, "I could be your friend."


	2. A Study in Halflings pt II

Bilbo looked at the dragon turned man. The man looked back.  
"First of all, we need to find you something to wear," he stated, thinking hard. What could possibly be left that was big enough for the dragon?  
Said dragon huffed and rolled his eyes, "I cannot think of one reason for me to wear… something other than nothing. I'm not conflicted by your silly problems like… modesty, I think the word was."  
Bilbo glared. Somewhere along the last five minutes, he had gotten over himself, "Modesty is very important, thank you very much. I didn't think you would get it though, seeing you've probably spent all your life naked."  
"Oh, you're all the same, aren't you? Fine, I know something wearable."

The dragon-man strode in front of Bilbo, only his tale and wings somewhat obscuring his tall, lean body. The redness of the scales was paling rapidly, settling at a very, very light peach, and the dark curls somehow grew just enough to properly cover the horns in his skull. When he turned to see if Bilbo was still following, his eyes had also changed colours, but they did definitely not look like anything Bilbo had ever seen before.  
Smaug sighed dramatically, and continued walking. Bilbo then thought that maybe he could take the thing he got here for while Smaug was busy, the Arkenstone.  
"You do not need to try,"  
"I'm sorry, what?"  
Smaug sighed yet again, and turned around, facing Bilbo.  
"The Arkenstone is quite safe with me, if you don't remember. You couldn't find it if you tried."

The rest of the walk was somewhat awkward. Bilbo said nothing, and neither did the dragon. The hobbit was preoccupied, trying to look anywhere except the dragon-man's nude back. Even if it was incredibly tempting to stare. Not because it was the first time he saw someone naked, really, but… he lost the train of thoughts at that, not quite knowing why. So he started focusing on the dwarvish architecture. It was soothing to look at the angular shapes, and it held some sort of beauty, that was different from the elves. Very different, but not unwelcome.

They arrived at some sort of great hall. It was decorated with banners of all colours and shapes.  
"Can you grab me the purple one?" Smaug asked, looking at the hobbit.  
The hobbit frowned at him. Smaug looked back. Finally, Bilbo backed down, grabbing, or trying to grab, the purple banner.  
"You know, you're much taller than me." Bilbo said, straining to get the piece of fabric.  
"On another thought," Smaug said, opting for completely ignoring the other, "I think I would prefer the red one."  
Bilbo scowled as he went to one of the red pieces of fabric. The dragon was straining on his patience, a patience that was wearing thin before he met him. Luckily, the red one was within his reach, and he did manage to pull it down.  
"Hope you're happy," he said as he dragged the fabric across the floor. Smaug looked at him, possibly approving of his efforts, then he took the red sheet of heavy fabric and wrapped himself up properly. That took two tries. Then Bilbo gave him a pin to fasten his sheet, but Smaug just scoffed and walked off.

"Hey, hey–"  
Smaug looked back at him with an arched eyebrow.  
"– shouldn't I be in the lead?"  
Smaug halted, looking amused. "If you haven't forgotten, I'm a dragon. I can smell my way to the dwarves."  
Nonetheless, he let Bilbo lead the way back out of the mountain.

* * *

When Bilbo said that he would be Smaug's friend, he hadn't known of the potential… jealousy that would follow. He had been aware, to some extent, of Thorin's… infatuation, he supposed, but they were both men, were they not? It was not unheard of, of course, but he stubbornly told himself that he was not like that.  
Now, of course, Smaug was deducing all he could from the travellers, leering off at the speed of thought.  
It was sort of embarrassing, the way he told their life histories from a quick glance. And most of them were either furiously denying it, or too embarrassed to say much. And that in itself was impressive, to silence the stubborn dwarves with words only.

Thorin was dumbfounded to say the least, and Smaug hadn't yet deduced him, but the way he had told more about the other dwarves' lives than he had already known himself, scared him. It was the sort of knowledge no man except himself and his closest should have privy to, and now the strange man Bilbo had brought back was talking like he was Manwë himself, all-knowing.  
"So, tell me, Bilbo, where did you find this strange man?"  
Bilbo wet his lips and looked up at Thorin, "Trapped. Trapped in the lair. Of Smaug, I mean."  
Before Thorin could say anymore, Smaug turned to him.

"You must be the leader of this group, driven by the sheer want for the home you once had, maybe because of the gold as well." He started, his deep voice filling the air and would-be uncomfortable silence, "Many hours on the road, unfortunate run in with goblins, orcs… your arch-nemesis?"  
The way Thorin clenched his teeth at that, confirming it to Smaug.  
"You care deeply for all your companions, they're like family, but it is distinctively different with Bilbo, perhaps–"  
A fist to the stomach promptly shut him up.

Bilbo looked between Smaug, utterly put off, and Thorin, looking homicidal. This was going to be difficult. Very difficult.

* * *

Smaug was sitting very close to the fire, Bilbo was seated beside him, and Thorin was sulking near the mountain wall. The silence was near suffocating, even if Bilbo had spent at least an hour apologizing for Smaug's behaviour. All of them were now purely ignoring the dragon, except for Bilbo, who was practically used for a pillow, and Thorin, who obviously did not like Smaug. Even so, they had to bring Smaug back to Esgaroth, how else would he be reunited with the humans he was kidnapped from?

Of course, no one, except Bilbo, knew that he was in fact a dreaded dragon.


End file.
